Im not sure what we will do. A productive trip. I remember last year, I couldnt even pack my suitcase. You dont. I think that is pretty good, considering our circumstances. I cant wait to see you at the finish line! Most of the time alone. I dont get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. Ronan. She is so beautiful already. But on nights like last night, I dont have a choice. He said he knew it. She has our attention. By far one of the best ones Ive been to. I love you. what a beautiful little guy whos touched so many lives! Today, was not a day I expected at all. I thought that name sounded cute, so that is why. Because at the end of the day, its not complicated at all. Im just sorry it fucking has to be this way. Tricia. Darling. Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. She told me she was sorry about you. Agreed. But due to the fucked up things that go on in my head, I have convinced myself that if we had live here, you would not have gotten cancer and died. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. I was rocking her yesterday and your daddy came in to check on us. We talk about you a lot. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. A few hours later, I got the news. As long as I get to see it through them. It was weird and creepy and I was so sad when this morning when I didnt have you to tell my story to. You know what comes next though. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. They help me to survive this life I live now, without your sparkly eyes, little laugh and sweet lips. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Author rockstarronan Categories Uncategorized Tags Coldplay, Fix you, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Rockstar Ronan. I was only there, for you. Macy. I talked with her a bit about how I really didnt want to get it. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. We have had those picked out for a long time. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. In a conference room full of people, alligator tears were uncontrollable. As we drove to our hotel, I spent the majority of the car ride, quite, with tears streaming down my face. Everyone needs to check them out. This is all for tonight, little man. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. She sent me a picture of it today. I promise to be the best little tenant ever. Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? I cant wait for the day that I can see you again. Nothing is worth this pain. I let it continue to play. Yes, it was barbaric. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. Of course I said yes and that is pretty much all I did. He knows that too. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. It was a boy. I would give my life for those problems. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. I told him how he was pretty much the only person I listened to in this life anymore. I hope you are safe. I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. Happy and fancy. Dude. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. Not really. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. I love our little unconventional board. Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life. I am truly thankful for all of you. I told them what I have been thinking. I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, thats all. He knows that. I am so tired of this life without you. Twenty freaking one. Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. Sunday I think. I have to make you proud, Ronan. We are truly grateful to have him on our side. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. Im looking for you. The moments of utter beauty and bliss that I only feel by being with certain people. You were mine. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hamptons with your Poppy sister. I miss you. I will be thankful for those moments. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. I just let my eyes fall to the floor. Sometimes not. It was no use. You were a child. I guess if it doesnt touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. Ronan. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. Our seal needed a little make-over and update. This is why it is so important to me, the people we surround ourselves with and the life we choose to live. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. We Have a NewHome! I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. Im better. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. Whats going on? After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. You were always are mini Pat Tillman who was going to rule the world. I saw your Sparky yesterday. Thank you, sweet strangers. Ive been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. Ive been writing about your treatment, which has been hard. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. I truly expected more from you. Not one second. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. This is why they are still in my life. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. I sat today and tried to be productive. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?, me: Im sick. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. Depth. What I wouldnt give to have my old life back. That will never go away. Your day of death. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didnt. Nobody was there. I told them I was. I woke up this morning, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Does Ronan talk to you and tell you these things? I honestly think you do, Ronan. Your costume. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. Ambien won. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. Becca. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. If I wasnt sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. No sleep needed. Pain. A dozen times. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. My heart started pounding. I had spent so much time working on it, losing sleep over it, and mostly obsessing over it I knew I was going to crack. By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. A little sorry were really not sorry light bulb changing is not going to stop me from trying every year, to get this to finally happen. The MRI showed a mass behind Nela's eye and it turned out, Nela did not just have allergies. Carolyn. More than anything. Ive been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well. Ronan. I went today. Can you believe that shit?! I hope you are safe. Fuck, I thought to myself. I was wrong. Ronan. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. It is just all so wrong. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. Especially when it involves you, which it always does. While I was on my vacation in the Hamptons, I got that little email that everyone else got who signed our petition to turn The White House GOLD for just one day in September. Things like this dont happen in real life, right? As always, it was good. I leave soon. Are you home now?, Me: No. Its taken me all day to wrap my head around what this could mean. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. I know we can change this. I woke up to a quiet house. I love reading all of your comments. Im really going to kick your ass now! But more importantly, our kids deserve more funds from our government. I read your blog every day and as a father your strength and love is simply amazing!! Melissa. I will never understand this. Ronan. You know I will always say yes to New York. I miss him when we are away so much. I had a long board meeting last night. I am so proud to call you all my friends and I will never forget what you did for us not only today, but always. They deserve more compassionate treatments. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. I am surviving, just like the Poppy flower. She has a ton of hair already. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. Last night, when I woke up in that hotel room, only to find your daddy and brothers, and you were nowhere to be found.. well, what can I say? Goodnight baby doll. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. I went with Stacy and Fernanda to shop for your Christmas Tree that we are putting up this weekend at PCH. THANK YOU. Come on, settle down. There is not a second of the day, that I do not miss you. I hope you are safe. I tried my best. OUCH!!!! Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. Our Fairy RoMo. I sat quietly in your room for a while. I was always so thankful for what we had. Thank you.. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. Trust me. Are you sure? The technician told me she was about 90% sure. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. How much you hated them. I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. It was quiet. Tomorrow is here, too. Clutch phone to look at your face. Stacy is coming with me. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. Ive got to go now, Ro. Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? It was a great night, to say the least. Liz. So sweet. I got a text from Carolyn saying to call her that she had some news. Ronan. They seem to be growing by the day and that makes me so proud. You know that speaks volumes in my book. We have all agreed on that. We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. Ronan. I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. Nobody wants to take care of you because youve been so mean. We found a kid sized one to dress up. She told me about the study that just came out linking pregnant women and the flu, to autism. Next month. To cry. Giggling everywhere. The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. I felt myself panic. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. THANK YOU. Throwing you into a warm bath where I would make sure you felt safe, clean, loved and warm. Well, 3 actually but Im only going to talk about 2. Youre doing too much.. I'm landing close to midnight. "My darling, call the number back." This came from the man who answers every phone call from every unknown number that rings him up . She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. Its like Im just now getting the memo, Hi, youre pregnant! No wonder I have been feeling like crap lately. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. I think I will wear black all day long. If this baby is a girl, I will fall over. An ear infection, counting my blessings! Im really sick and alone and nobody wants to take care of me., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: You are not alone. No need for bullshit or pretending. It was my agent, Nena. We think we have our boy name too. I love you. Your Sparkly just looked at me and said, No matter what this is, my book is already written. me: UGH. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. Forever sorry. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. #cryingallday. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. Now that Ive met you, youre in. It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. Bring on the pies now. SO much that I somedays think this still cannot possibly be real. Fuck. They just handed me over a key, and voila! Why is the house so quiet? Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. Ill let you know when I know more. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. She asked if I remembered your service and how difficult it was. I know tomake a statementlike that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. Rise and ShineInsomnia! Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. This never happens for me. I know how much your heart is broken. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. I took a minute to get myself under control and just told him, I miss him for you too. That was all. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. My mind is always wandering to where you would be sitting, what you would be eating, how beautiful your little face would have looked lit up by the flickering of the candlelight. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! It shouldnt be, because of this beyond fucked up fuckery that she is surviving. How dull and empty I know this world is without you presence. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. It scares the shit out of me, for Liam, Quinn, and now this Poppy baby. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. But I just promised him I would try instead. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. Somebody make this not real because it is too horrific. There is no better place, then here with me. Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. I swear I stare at it all day long. I went down to his office. Its one of my only drawings I have of yours. He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. I love you, Liz. Today, my tears were more happy. I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. A sleepy little town, where it seems as problems do not exist. I honestly still cannot believe you are gone and that I dont get to chase you around anymore. I met a friend this morning for coffee. I beg over and over in my head. I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. My shot hurt for you. I went to our meeting, did my best to formulate my thoughts with this heavy fog that was hanging over my head (tiredness or so I thought), came home 4 hours later (meeting very productive) crawled into bed and by that time, every inch of my body was aching. But I laugh anyway. Ive been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. I am so very sorry. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. I listened to him like I always do. Ive been spendingmost of my days in your room. It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. Im begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. Your sweet little face. I took Becca and Stacy there today. This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. Not the other way around. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. Gnite baby doll. Meat is still my enemy. Your boots were not that ugly.. I think you would have loved that name. Its starting to annoy me. Diving into the freezing ocean like I know you would have. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. Charisma. What a fucking joke. Plus she says the word, Fuck, a lot which you know I appreciate. I have learned to be present, to smile when all I want to do is cry, to be productive when all I want to do is curl up in my bed for a week, and to throw myself into things that take a lot of work, but the work leaves me distracted. Liam ran pretty much the whole lake, by himself. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. Poppy is so lucky. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. Not the spilled milk, not the I dont have enough time for myself because my kids keep me too busy, not the messes made, not the arguments that are had, not the strong-willed child that throws a fit over everything, not the I am too tired because my sick, child kept me up all night. Please. If it is, fix it. It started Wednesday night. I very rarely know happiness of my own. I wake up exhausted. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. I said I knew. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. Fernanda. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. Am I pushing things a bit? Gladly. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. This is one of the things that I love most about him. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I hope you are safe. I miss you so much. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. Are you laying with your child, as he takes his last breaths? I love you. Today is an amazing example of good things that will keep me going. That I dont have my own Captain Rex here with me anymore to protect me. We have decided my next one will be at 26 weeks. on Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. I had just lost you. I let the tears, sweat, and vomit take over my world for 3 days straight. I know this but sometimes I like to close my eyes and just pretend. Im not a scientist. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. I am dreaming of a womans Lacrosse team as we speak. You should not be sitting there. We very much needed a pow wow session. My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. Swallow pill. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. Back when you were healthy and here. But then I see your Urn staring back at me and I am quickly reminded that it is and there is nothing I can do about it, to bring you back. But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I know what I am coming home to. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. Fuck. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. Having your Poppy sister has saved me. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? Do not let anything take him away. This will be how you live on and help others. Thank you for never forgetting my little guy who continues to inspire you daily. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. The one of a dead child, due to cancer. I am not playing by the fluffy rules. I sacrifice myself, for them. I'm landing close to midnight. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Categories Uncategorized Tags angels, arizona, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, Family, god, Lazer Tag, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Neuroblastoma, Phoenix, Rockstar Ronan, sloan kettering, The Ronan Thompson Foundation, true love 11 Comments on Moneyball, Liz.
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